you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
