also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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