Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
