Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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