I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
