dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
