I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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