Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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