the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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