My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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