Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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