There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
