Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My vagina just recognized that song.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
