can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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