One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
