on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
And then he peed in my hair
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
