worst night to have a conscience
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
