This dress was meant to end up on your floor
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
