Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
