called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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