Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
