i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
