P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
