im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
