hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
