i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
