So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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