The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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