hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
