my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Who died my cat blue again?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize