Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
