we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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