I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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