Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't turn off my feet"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
