Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
