Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
