Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
