I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
