You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
