No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize