If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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