Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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