I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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