Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
