Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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