I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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