some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
