VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
