I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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