so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
