This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
