I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
its liver damage thursday
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
