I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
