It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
