Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
