I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
