I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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