When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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